Monday, December 10 12:00 AM ET

Google Using Innovative Methods to Keep Employees

Mountain View, CA – With many employees as rich as they'll get at Google, the search engine company has needed to try innovative methods to keep employees from fleeing to more exciting start ups like Facebook.  

Google has formed a team dedicated to retaining employees known internally as Team alt.facebook.die.die.die.die.  Michael Brady heads the team. 

"Sergei and Larry see the loss to top talent as the biggest threat to our growth, so they've authorized us to tap into the giant pile of cash," said Brady. "We've offered trips on the party plane, free Lamborghinis and for one guy the choice of being the top search result for 'hot studs Mountain View'."

The retention team also offers "information" to Googlers about working at Facebook.  "Many of our employees don't know that the Facebook cafeteria doesn't stock Perrier, and that massages are only given on Mondays and Wednesdays," said Brady.  "Sure you may make millions in the IPO, but will that make up for the substandard beanbag chairs in the employee lounge?"

Brady denies threatening any employees if they leave, but some Googlers said they have been told they would "disappear" from Google results if they left. For many that's a fate worse than death.  "It would make it hard for me to get another job or get a date," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous. "Girls like to look me up before agreeing to a date, and if I'm not in there they'd get suspicious."

Not everyone gets offered generous packages some lower level employees are being offered picture frames emblazoned with the Google logo. "Orkut employees just aren't that valuable," said Brady.

Brady says the methods they use have been successful even if some employees have left.  "If some people want to work at a place built on an old toxic waste dump, that's fine with me.  I'd just advise them not to drink the water," he said. 

Google's stock was up on the news.

Thanks to Andrew K for the suggestion.