Thursday, September 29 12:00 AM ET

Apple iSmack Nano Addresses
Concerns over iPod Muggings

Cuptertino , CA - Apple has released a new version of the iPod nano, which addresses the growing problem of people being mugged for their digital music player.

"It seems like every time we release a new version of iPod, these stories about people being mugged for them come out of the woodwork," Apple CEO Steve Jobs said onstage at a special event Tuesday. "We're out to change that." Jobs then held up an iPod nano with brass knuckles attached.

"We noticed the iPod nano was big enough to lay across the hand. So the iPod's legendary durability combined with some knuckle rings and a new brass finish was just the perfect combination for personal defense," said Jobs.

Like the iTunes Phone introduced by Motorola last week, the iSmack nano will temporarily pause the playing song when it senses an impact. Jobs demonstrated this feature on Apple Vice President Phil Schiller.

"Now Phil here is going to pretend he's mugging me for my iPod because he sees the trademark white headphones," Jobs said. "But I've got my new iSmack nano with me." Jobs then threw a right hook, slamming his iSmack-laden fist into Mr. Schiller's face.

"The attacker is down, and best of all, iSmack nano is totally unharmed," Jobs said, holding the small device up to the camera to reveal an untarnished finish. "And it's back to playing Coldplay."

A host of celebrity spokespeople attended the event, mostly musicians from the "gangsta rap" genre, including 50-cent and Ice-T.

"Yo Steve, this [product] is [of high quality]. Ain't no [fellow African-Americans] gonna want no [comparably inferior] Dell DJ with 'dis [product] tearin' up da streets!" 50-cent commented from an iChat AV videoconference.

"Our product literally beats the crap out of the competition," says Jobs.

Apple also announced a special purple "Samuel L. Jackson" Edition iSmack nano with the phrase "Bad Motherfucker" engraved on the back.

The iSmack Nano will be available in 2 GB and 4 GB variations for $199 and $249. It will reportedly ship with the trademark white headphones.

Phil Schiller was in intensive care after being laid-out by Jobs, but in stable condition at the writing of this article.