Thursday, December 18 12:01 EST

Virus Alert: w32.IsTooAVirus.A.Worm

Santa Clara, CA - McAfee virus researcher, Dwayne Merriger, announced his discovery of a powerful and dangerous virus. He claims it could destroy the Internet if left unchecked. Being a stealthy virus, it has taken Merriger two years to track down.

"Yeah, and um... it's very stealthy, invisible even."

"It's a well designed virus," explained Merriger. "It exploits a buffer overrun in the 'Soap Bubble.bmp' file found in the 'C:\Windows' directory, and will infect the boot record of CD/DVD-ROMs." Merriger also claims the virus talks to him in his sleep.

Some of his co-workers are skeptic. "He's been working here for over two and a half years, and he's never found a virus before. We think he just made it up," said Tom Brennen, coordinator of Merriger's department. "He hasn't been able to give us proof of its existence."

"It has advanced stealth powers," grumbled Merriger, in response to criticism. "It will disguise itself as a... er... a program folder in the Start menu. Yes, a program folder! And then it will turn off all virus detection software. Even ones that do not exist yet. Because it uses complex virus-detector-detecting heuristics. It's untraceable. Only I have found it. It came to me!"

"We want to tell him that his virus is bogus, but we've never seen him so happy," continued Brennen. "And he has been on edge these days, so I'm afraid that if I tell him, he'll stab me while I'm sleeping at my desk."

McAfee has yet to release a formal warning about the virus. However, they are advising Merriger's neighbors to keep all doors and windows locked, bolted, and barred, because Merriger has been spotted prowling around his neighborhood, carrying a crowbar, some lock picks, and a box of floppies labeled 'My Virus'.

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