Wenesday, March 27 12:01 AM EST

Nethacker Ascends from Basement

San Antonio, TX - After three unsuccessful years of attempting to retrieve the Amulet of Yendor, Nelson Larin finally ascended from his parents' basement grasping a homemade necklace and screaming, "I found it, I found it." The obviously fake amulet appeared to be formed from aluminum foil and some twine.

After he emerged from the basement and his delirium, Nelson told the tale of the past 3 years in the 'dungeon'. He told of how he survived entirely on things he killed and bags of Doritos his parents tossed down the stairs, which he insisted on calling "food rations". He also admitted that he never found the real Amulet of Yendor, but he once survived a room full of L's.

His parents were very worried about him, but mentioned they were happy he had finally stopped smoking pot. "We were a little scared for him in the middle of the night he would often yell out, 'I'm starving! I'm starving! Where is the food!' We thought maybe he'd started smoking again and had the munchies. Apparently it was just part of the game," said Nelson's Father, Neil.

"Another night that was really frightening was when he started gleefully exclaiming 'I'm in Hell! I can't believe I'm in Hell!' We contacted the Archdiocese the next morning, but they don't make house calls any more," said Wilma Larin.

"I pledged three years ago that I wouldn't come out of the basement until I won the game, but I really had to go pee. I kept trying #p or #u but I couldn't find any relief," said Nelson. "I will try again and this time I will be successful. My life just wouldn't be complete if I never finished the game."

Sadly on his way back to start a new game in the basement Nelson tripped over his cat, Whiskers, and fell down the stairs breaking his neck.

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