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Redwood City, CA - CEO of Oracle Larry Ellison today exercised 45
Jerk Options today. Most people just assume that Ellison is
just a jerk by nature, few know that the Jerk Options are part of
Ellison's compensation package and he has close to 19,000,000 of
them.
Ellison started the day by berating several employees for only working
16 hours a day, and telling them they were fired only to say "Just
kidding" moments later. "My heart stopped when he
said I was fired," said Phil Kostakos, "cause I got a wife
and three kids to support.
I was so relieved when I realized Larry was just using his Jerk Options."
Executive Assistant Louise Yang was another lucky recipient, "Larry
asked who the picture of the fat kid was on my desk. I told
him it was my son and he just laughed and said, 'Figures, you
cow, MOOOOO!!' I was in tears for hours."
"He made me do 50 push-ups because my initials are MS",
said software engineer Matt Stipe. "What a jerk."
Normally Ellison only exercises between 10-20 Jerk Options a day,
but after placing second to Bill Gates in the Forbes "Richest
People in America" list Ellison couldn't help but share the
wealth.
"Saying I was an ugly, unemployed, overweight virgin was true
but pretty harsh," said former database architect Sam Hillson, "but
wearing my 'You're #2' shirt was probably asking for it,"
Ellison said, "A lot of stress comes with being the CEO of
Oracle. The Jerk Options are a simple way to relieve some of that
stress. Our employees understand that it's all just part of
my compensation." Ellison added that if he doesn't use
them, he will lose them and he plans on using them all.
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