Apple to Release “Shocking” Software Fix for iPhone 4 Antenna Issues

By Brian Briggs filed Monday, August 2 3:00 AM ET

Cupertino, CA - Steve Jobs announced that Apple would be rolling out a software fix for the iPhone 4’s antenna issues as early as Wednesday.

“I challenged our engineers to find a software fix for a hardware problem and they did. This magical piece of software will redirect current from the powerful iPhone 4 battery to the groundbreaking antenna every time one of our beloved users holds the iPhone 4 incorrectly,” said Jobs in his weekly Sunday evening radio fireside chat.

Jobs advised that small children and pregnant women should not install the patch, however, he noted that customers with heart problems could use the antenna as a makeshift defibrillator “in a pinch.”

“Over time the painful electric shock will train our customers to hold the iPhone 4 correctly,” said Jobs, who majored in Pavlovian psychology in college.

Jobs did not disclose any specifications on the size of the shock that would be delivered, but said the iPhone 4 battery could deliver a “convincing but not lethal” amount of voltage.

Fans of Apple were ecstatic at the news. Beverly Clemens of Amherst said, “I didn’t want to put an ugly case over this beautiful piece of hardware. I’ll happily risk electrocution to avoid that. It’s my own fault for holding it wrong anyway.”

Critics of the company were also pleased by the announcement. “Anything that inflicts pain on those annoying Apple fanboys meets with my approval,” said Ben Chung of the popular EverythingAppleDoesSucks.com blog.

It’s rumored that several law enforcement agencies have contacted Apple about using the patched iPhone 4 as a Taser, but that has not yet been confirmed.

Shares of Apple were not traded on Sunday, but are expected to open lower.