Wednesday, October 1112:00 AM ET

Five Things You Never
Knew Were Good For You

1. Smoking Crack –If you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, you're just not motivated enough. That hunger for your next hit of crack will not only get you out of bed, but it'll make you do things you never thought you could do. Smoking crack can also lead to weight loss and increased income streams from theft and prostitution.
   
2. Breaded Bacon and Cheese Sticks Fried in Coconut Oil – Some people call them "fat sticks" or "heartstoppers", but experts agree that if you die of a heart attack at sixty-seven you won't have to save as much for retirement. Double up your intake of these "grease nails" and you might not have to save for retirement at all. With that kind of cash flow improvement you could get that boat you've always wanted.
   
3. Ebola – Nothing says fifteen minutes of fame like being the first person in the US to contract the Ebola virus. You'll guarantee yourself a spot in the annals of medical history. It might even get you on Geraldo (if you live long enough).
   
4. Losing Fingers to a Circular Saw – Admit it, you've always wanted to be able to write left handed. Now you can. With no thumb on your right hand, what else are you going to do? Your ability to make others feel sorry for you went up a notch as well. Also, microparticles of iron from the blade can enter directly into the bloodstream giving added protection from anemia.
   
5. Dying – Who among us wouldn't give their life for a stress-free non-existence? Dying is highly underrated as a means to relieve stress. No stupid boss with impossible deadlines. No bills to pay. Absolutely no worries. Ever hear a dead person complain about being dead? I didn't think so.