Tuesday, October 18 12:00 AM ET

CDC Warns Of Viral Marketing Influenza Outbreak

Atlanta, GA - Researchers from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) warned today that several active viral marketing campaigns have a high likelihood of mutating, thereby increasing the likelihood that these viruses will jump species from marketers to other employees and create pandemics in neighboring departments.

According to epidemiologists, millions of technical workers in research, development, and support positions are susceptible to infection.

"Examination of a few isolated cases suggests that marketing influenza is efficient at attacking the language center of the brain's temporal lobe," said Dr. Raymond Brand, a research pathologist at the National Institutes of Health. "Early symptoms among engineers are strikingly similar to Wernicke's aphasia in that the patient uses buzzwords and marketspeak to produce grammatically correct but meaningless sentences."

"In extremely virulent cases, marketing influenza can be lethal to a tech employee's credibility and integrity," added Brand. "Amputation of a patient's tongue and fingers in the critical early stages may be preferred to risking full-blown infection several days later."

To reduce the chance of a global pandemic, the World Health Organization (WHO) recommends that technical employees should remain vigilant against localized outbreaks. "Get some of your company's white papers, product brochures, and press releases," recommends WHO principle scientist Dr. Suzanne Marcomm. "If there is even a trace of daft technobabble present, then immediately cull the flock in the marketing department and burn the corpses as a precautionary but necessary measure."

On the vaccination front, several promising studies suggest that independent technology consultants may be immune to marketing influenza. "Historically, consultants have thrived by tossing around many meaningless acronyms, so it appears that their immune systems have already developed effective antibodies." Such antibodies could serve as the basis for a marketing flu vaccine, but researchers will need to overcome severe side effects such as high labor rates and low return on investment before giving consultant-derived vaccinations to the general population.