Wednesday, June 30 12:00 AM ET

CERT Recommends Finger Condoms When Using Internet Explorer

Washington D.C. - The U.S. Computer Emergency Readiness Team (US-CERT), a division of the Department of Homeland Security, has recommended computer users wear finger prophylactics (condoms) when using Microsoft's Internet Explorer.

"If you can't avoid Internet Explorer or find any finger condoms then we suggest tough leather gloves, and washing your hands strenuously with an anti-viral soap for five minutes after using the computer. It's not failsafe, but it's better than nothing," advised Kiera Thompsen of US-CERT.

"We recommended that people stop using IE, but we realize there are situations where surfers are required to use the program. In those instances we suggest finger condoms," Thompsen continued.

For some the recommendation came too late. "I've had this burning and itching all over my hands since this latest virus infected my computer," said Harold Wang of Burlington, Vermont. "I even have painful urination, but I think that might be from something else."

The release also recommended computer users wear sunglasses to protect them from harmful UV viruses that take advantage of holes in the web browser.

Several Mozilla, Opera and Safari users hailed the announcement with a smug superiority.