Monday, May 24 12:00 AM EDT

Microsoft Requires Back Up
Copy of Each Employee

Seattle, WA - Microsoft announced they will increase productivity by requiring all employees to grow an extra hand and arm. Should the program succeed, Microsoft would require all employees to produce a clone. This clone would aid in normal duties, but would also fill in during sick days and other emergencies.

"The loss of key personnel through illness or death can pose a serious financial hazard to companies," said Vice president of Human-Clone Relations, Carrie Hannigan. "Once our insurance companies learned we had the technology, they insisted on back ups of all senior staff."

"We think an extra arm and a back up copy of our employees could more than double productivity," continued Hannigan, "and reduce the need for almost half of our work force. We also thought we could use this technology to improve our products as well."

Productivity research scientist, Thomas Yang explained, “Years ago we made the moves to support increased productivity in our Office Suite, but businesses reported that upgrading made no difference to them."

"We decided that ordinary users were unable to take full advantage of current hardware and software, because of the physical inability of users to input data fast enough," continued Yang.

At that point, Microsoft unveiled the "Three Hands" initiative, which included a company-wide program of retroviral gene therapy, with the objective of encouraging their workforce to grow extra hands.

Once "fully tested" internally through a system known as "dog-fooding," Microsoft will ship the retroviral gene therapy products to their customers as a free upgrade to our latest Office Suite.

A program requiring a third ear on every employee was discontinued, because it was just "too creepy."