Elon Musk Announces He Will Be the Twitter Algorithm

By Brian Briggs filed Wednesday, January 18 8:00 PM ET

San Francisco, CA - Using technology from Neuralink Elon Musk announced that he would interface his brain with Twitter servers and become the algorithm. "The stack is beyond help, so this really is the only solution to save Twitter. My mind will determine what appears in everyone's timeline."

The move requires Musk to be physically attached to Twitter servers at all times using the Neuralink Brainalator 5000. This move would also require his brain to be cooled using a giant heat sink. "Let that sink in," said Musk.

Twitter has faced criticism over the years for bias in the algorithm which determines which tweets appear in user timelines. Many critics called for the algorithm to be exposed to public scrutiny.

"I am the algorithm now. I will expose myself," said Musk. "I'm the least biased person I know. My pronouns are Not and Biased."

The reaction to the news on Twitter was mixed. User @BallsBalls420 said, "Twitter is already a cesspool of bad takes and racism, so I don't expect much to change. Balls." Others were more enthusiastic about the move. "I think it's a great idea. If it keeps him from taking over other companies and ruining them, it's a win for everyone," said Senior Vice President of Tesla Robert Bulgogi.

After the move remaining Twitter employees would be let go except for one employee who would be responsible for bathing Musk.