Thursday, March 4 12:00 AM EST

Dell CEO Replaced by Calcutta Orangutan

Austin, TX - The board of directors of Dell ruled unanimously that the present CEO, Michael Dell, was being replaced by Vishnu the Orangutan, a resident of the Calcutta Zoo in India.

A spokesperson via satellite from Bombay said that Mr. Dell was just too expensive. “We are tired of the drain on profits that his million dollar salary, paid vacations, political campaign donations and stock options are causing,” said board member Terrence Thompson.

" Vishnu can ruin employee morale and get in the way of productivity just as well as any human CEO. And look at him, he is so darling when he sticks his tongue out," continued Thompson.

Vishnu receives a far more competitive salary of $300,000, coconut options and a 50-foot yacht. "While less than the average CEO salary, it is nearly double the average for an orangutan.”

Dell’s stock soared on the cost-cutting news, but tapered off after announcements that dividends would be cut unless shareholders personally held 100,000 shares or more.

Many analysts now question whether Dell is still an American corporation, especially now that the CEO is a great ape in India.
Prudential’s Benjamin Bloom said, "Our current beliefs are that if the CEO is an American, the company is American, regardless of how much of the work is done by Americans.

“Ford is considered an American company, even though most of their parts are made and assembled in Malaysia or Canada. Dell was still considered an American company even when its software designers, engineers, marketers, lobbyists and even janitors were farmed out to India and Vietnam. But exporting the CEO? This is clearly a new paradigm in corporate structure!"

Vishnu could not be reached for an interview.

photograph courtesy Philip Greenspun

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