Anti-Vaxxers Oppose New Covid Vaccine Despite  Potential Superpowers

Boston, MA – Anti-vaccine groups oppose a new Covid vaccine developed by Pfizer that has a chance to develop a superpower in 2% of the human population. 

Harold Dimner of Natural Defense Alliance said, “Only 2% of people are getting these superpowers, and of those only 5% are getting cool superpowers like invisibility or ESP.  The vast majority of folks are getting lame abilities like the power to remove salt from water or reading really fast.”

Dimner said that the NDA would continue its opposition.  “Are we really going to let big pharma inject something into our bodies that could give us a chance to fly, but has a chance of enlarging our heart slightly?  Do your own research.”

Developed as part of Pfizer’s Hyper-MutantX research program in cooperation with the Department of Defense, the company denies it’s just a marketing gimmick to get a booster-weary public to continue getting Covid shots.  

“This was just an unintended side effect,” said research scientist Dr. Raymond Xi.  “We were actually trying to mutate folks into giraffe-human hybrids for the tree trimming industry, but we got superpowers developing instead.”

Xi added that so far they’ve seen the power of flight, telekinesis, super strength and garbage mimicry, but notes that the possibilities are endless. “We’re not sure of the mechanism, but we think it has to do with the dihydrogen monoxide or the gooey substance we found after that mysterious meteor strike in Siberia.”

Why some people get superpowers and others don’t is still an open question.  Despite the low chance, many people are lining up for the new vaccine like Tamara Hudgins of Amherst, “I’ve already had four boosters, but better to be safe than sorry.  If I can lower my chance of hospitalization from Covid and have a chance at superspeed, I’m all for it.”

Pfizer stock was up on the news.