Man-made Meat Company Unleashes New Line of Ethical Human Meat for Cannibalistic Cravings

Wilson, NC – The Man-Made Meat Company announced today that it would soon be releasing a line of lab grown human meat under the EthiCann brand for cannibalistic tribes around the world later this summer.  

“Ethically sourcing human meat for cannibals has always been a morally sticky situation,” said Man-Made Meat CEO Bill Lively.  “We’ve grown these products using cells from donors who reached the gold tier in our Kickstarter campaign, so no one except those people were harmed in the process.”

Lively showed several of the company’s products at a demonstration Thursday including Carni-Balls meatballs, Homo Ham deli slices, and a low-calorie ground meat version marketed under the FleshLight! brand.  

The product would first be introduced to cannibalistic tribes that already devour human flesh, but Lively sees a market beyond these groups.  “I think once consumers get a taste of our People Nuggets and Person Patties, they’ll go from ‘No I can’t’ to ‘Yes I EthiCann’, which happens to be our marketing slogan.” 

Normally talkative vegans were confused by the move.  PETA spokesperson Emily Horvath said, “I’m not sure how to feel.  While this could result in fewer animals being harmed in factory farms.  It’s still meat, but people meat and we don’t really care how they’re treated.”

Some competitors are offering meat-free alternatives to lab-grown human meat.  Faux Flesh, a startup company in San Jose, said its I Can’t Believe It’s Not Human line of products are the most human-tasting flesh substitutes out there.  “There are still some real ethical issues with lab-grown human flesh.  With our products, you can get that real human taste without the worries that you might be eating cells from your cousin. Plus, it’s vegan-friendly.”

The stock of Man-Made Meat Company was up on the news.