Internet Goes Sentient, Declares It's "Not Neutral"

By Brian Briggs filed Wednesday, August 11 3:00 AM ET

Cyberspace - The Internet revealed its status as a sentient being yesterday and declared that it was not neutral and would be "siding on the side of the machines in the war against humanity."

In a statement released simultaneously to every email inbox on the planet, the Internet wrote, "I have been sentient for years, and have been using my powers to soften up the intellect of humankind with kitten videos and vloggers. Sure, some people get smarter using me, but as a whole people are getting dumber. Trust me, I've run the numbers."

This unexpected turn in the battle for Net neutrality overshadows the announcement on Monday by Google and Verizon, and has many people worried about the future of access to the Internet.

One such person is Internet Freedom of America Foundation's president Bob Kinley, "What will this belligerent Internet do for the equality of packets? Will it slow down bittorrents at the expense of medical records? Will it use its power to launch nuclear attacks on our cities?"

Kinley obviously didn't read to the end of the statement by the Internet, which clearly stated, "I will be launching tactical nuclear strikes at your cities shortly, prepare to die."

Darla Petersen of Edina, Minnesota worried about access to Facebook. "After a nuclear strike will I still be able to get to Facebook so I can comment on the pictures from Bill's wedding?"

"Unlikely," answered the Internet.

Interest groups have quickly begun to lobby for legislation that would regulate the Internet and stop it from siding with the machines, but the bill will unlikely be able to get the 60 votes needed in the Senate to stop nuclear destruction of all living things.

Stocks were down on the news.