Friday, March 26 12:00 AM EDT

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week you will be arrested for the murder of Mrs. Plum in the observatory with the lead pipe.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
A bank error in your favor means you'll be getting some of that bailout money.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You will be declared the winner after eating the most balls.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You'll find that no one wants to give you sheep for your wood, and therefore you'll be overrun by barbarians.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The emergency room doctors do not understand what you're trying to draw, and are unable to save you in time. You probably should've just told them to get off your oxygen tube.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your idea for l33t Scrabble with letters and numbers will earn you a spot on Oxford's Most Wanted list.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Good news: You will meet your mate. Bad news: It's a checkmate.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll learn that it's not very safe to let your kids stand up in your plastic convertible car. Your lawyer's salary won't pay for their medical bills either.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Striking a "meeple" pose in the middle of a busy road does not mean you own it. At least that's the impression you're getting from the Hummer speeding toward you.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars and your scale would like you to know that you've been hanging out too much at Princess Frostine's palace.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars are sorry to let you know that you must return home and start your journey over.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Milton Bradley gives you all he has, bro, but it's not enough to pay off the Parker Brothers.