Wednesday, January 20 12:00 AM ET

5 Things I Want to See at the Apple "Event"

By Brian Briggs follow me on Twitter.

Apple has planned an event for January 27th, and did not send me an invite. I'll have to ignore it like I do the rest of their events (that'll show them). If they want me to pay attention, these are the things I'd like to see at the event. And, no, I don't care about the Apple iCapsule or anything like that, you'll just have to read on to find out.

1. Steve Jobs does the Napoleon Dynamite dance on stage - Not only would this go viral instantly, but it would reassure investors about Steve Jobs' health. If he doesn't do the dance, he should at least wear a "Vote for Pedro" T-shirt.

2. Make no product announcements at all - It would be most excellent for Steve Jobs to walk out to the microphone and say, "I just wanted to say that Apple is awesome and have a great day." Not only would it show some guts on his part, but it would cause most Apple fanboys to go into cardiac arrest.

3. A real life T-Rex - Jobs should come out and say that instead of investing R & D dollars into a tablet computer that nobody really wants, Apple has invested heavily in genetic research and creating a living T-Rex. For bonus points, he should release it into the crowd where it gobbles up bloggers and tech journalists. Extra bonus points, if I get to decide who gets eaten. Double extra bonus points if Jobs rides on the back of the T-Rex and shouts, "Go get 'em Rexxy!"

4. An announcement about Apple purchasing BBspot - Nothing but unadulterated greed in this one. I'd prefer a figure north of $1 billion, but would be willing to settle for half that. I wouldn't turn down a quarter or a tenth of that either. Call me.

5. Sergei Brin to tackle Steve Jobs in the middle of his speech and start beating him over the head with a Nexus One shouting, "One phone to rule them all!" - I think this one's pretty self-explanatory.

Comment below on what you'd like to see happen.