Friday, August 28 12:00 AM EDT

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be mistaken for the messiah.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Allo, Bruce. The Bruces recommend the Hegaelian philosophy.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will not expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceedest on to three. Five is right out.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars recommend reading the ingredient list on the box of chocolates someone left on your desk.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You won't be dead by the end of the week, but you will be pining for the fjords.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars fart in your general direction.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week you will experience something completely different.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
The stars want to know if you'd like a mint. It's wafer-thin.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
It's OK to press wild flowers, even if you're a lumberjack, but cut out the suspenders and bra wearing.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Unfortuntely, you will not be able to recommend a good service to confuse cats.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
This is the horoscope that goes bing. BING!