Friday, July 24 12:00 AM EDT

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The stars are tired of killing celebrities and are coming for you.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your spouse will become suspicious at the randomness of your road trip when you end up at the Star Trek Convention and your Klingon costume just happens to be in the trunk.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Good News: You finally got your Zune to work with iTunes. Bad News: You've got a Zune.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars say "No one wins when you substitute Jenga blocks with Lego bricks."

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Throngs of people will be disappointed by you not appearing at Comic-Con this week. As long as "throngs" means "nobody" like I think it does.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will spend most of the week behind your computer on the Internet. (Received 2009 Most Accurate Geek Horoscope Award)

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your online game is doomed to fail when to reach level two you must kill the same monster 1,000,000 times. The star recommend a more reasonable number, such as 999,999.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The reason nobody stops following you on twitter is because they have all died of boredom from reading your tweets.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Taurus's horoscope can no longer be displayed due to a copyright complaint by Red Bull.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
3rd degree burns on your ass may be a sign that your research in jet packs isn't going so well.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars foresee a bright future for you, as your roof collapses and lets the sunlight into your home. Wear sunscreen.