Friday, April 4 12:00 AM EDT

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars want you to get completely out of windows and go back in.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will find the source of your problems exist between the keyboard and the chair.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Please wait for the next astrologist to become available. Your horoscope is very important to us.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
If this horoscope doesn't work for you then maybe you should call back during day shift.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your horoscope ticket ID is #8675309. We'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
We're resetting the horoscope servers. Please check back in an hour or so.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Can't you see that the stars are busy helping someone else right now. Jeesh.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
The stars foresee you you needing a new "cup holder" for your PC.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You will be shocked to find the cat has chewed through your power cord, but not as shocked as your cat.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
To tell you the truth, I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. Seriously, I haven't slept in a week, and I'm getting paid less than the janitor.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The mysterious "any key" will be revealed as a large button on the front of the PC possibly marked power.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Let me put you on hold while I ask my manager for your horoscope.