Friday, April 4 12:00 AM EDT

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your story about a squirrel smasher will earn you a visit from the clandestine PETA Assault Force.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will finally get sick of the spellchecker in MS Outlook and turn it off when it reverses the R and D in the word Hadron one too many times.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will learn a painful lesson about super-electromagnets and body piercings.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll learn that there's more involved in becoming Dr. Manhattan than submitting yourself to a high-energy particle stream.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You can expect a call from R.E.M.s lawyers. You have been whistling "It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)" too much, and owe them royalties.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover some protons like to have a cigarette after "colliding."

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You'll find it easier to smash their heads together than to explain to people why the LHC isn't dangerous.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Good News: You discover the "God Particle" Bad News: It's a jerk.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Because of a localized black hole the stars are unable to bring you your horoscope.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You will be cheered up today after discovering a man named Higgs who dresses up as Bozon The Clown.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The police officer won't buy your excuse that you were searching for the God SUV by smashing into the rear of the Expedition.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You'll be unsuccessful in getting a job at CERN, your goatee and your legal name change to Gordon Freeman not withstanding.