Friday, June 20 12:00 AM EDT

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Just so you know, Captain America doesn't think your color scheme is very patriotic. Have you thought about a flag lapel pin?

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars would like to reassure you that your first name does not sound gay.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You will get your test results back from the clinic explaining why some parts stay green.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Good News: There's a sale on purple pants at the local Target. Bad News: They're all velour.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Smashing things is not the proper way to resolve your conflicts. Try talking through them instead. Then smash.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars don't like you when you're angry. Actually, they don't like you when you're happy either. You're just not very likable. Just saying.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your condition doesn't have anything to do with gamma rays. You've just been drinking way too much Mountain Dew.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars recommend you wear your stretchy pants tonight.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You should definitely use the phrase "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" more often, because that monobrow frown of yours is really hideous.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars ask, "What'cha gonna do brother when Hulkamania runs wild on you?" Oh, wait, sorry, wrong Hulk.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Barry Bonds is wondering if you could share some of your junk with him. He needs to bulk up.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
That gamma radiation will turn you into a large, green monster.  Unfortunately, it'll be Shrek.