Friday, April 4 12:00 AM EDT

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Fatal error: Call to undefined function goodNews() in myLife.php

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You will take the MPAA movie warning to heart and steal a car, a handbag and television in order to pay for that DVD.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The stars are never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars suggest that for a challenge this week try finishing Half-Life 2 with a Guitar Hero controller.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Desperately trying to increase your gamerscore suggests you're trying to compensate for some other deficiencies.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars are laughing at you because you got a black plastic Orange Box.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
A newly discovered black hole in the galaxy assures that your life will suck this week.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars say that the location of the planets and stars at one's birth is no basis for a system of life planning.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The housing crisis will hit home for you this week when the bank decides to foreclose on your PS3.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will regret lending your boss your Office Space DVD after a fire breaks out in the warehouse.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Trying to wake up Cthulhu with a foghorn isn't as great of an idea as it sounds.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your web surfing skills will come into question when you encounter a series of 404s.