Thursday, February 7 12:00 AM ET

FCC Concerned about Final Two Bidders in Spectrum Auction

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Washington, DC – FCC Chairman Kevin Martin voiced concerns today about the remaining active bidders in the current wireless spectrum auction.

All bids are secret, but because of national security concerns Martin took the unprecedented move of revealing the bidders.

The current high bidder is the Grak'tar alien race represented on Earth by Zardox the Unfeasible.  The Grak'tar currently lead the bidding and plan to use the spectrum to broadcast messages to the mind control devices they are secretly implanting in humans. 

In second place is the infamous evil overlord Dr. Boris Quatloo.  Quatloo has not revealed his plans for the spectrum, but he has used previous spectrum victories in the UHF frequencies to broadcast nonstop reruns of 80's sitcom Small Wonder. 

"We're not sure what to do. Legally, we can't prevent them from winning the auction, so we're hoping a white knight bidder will come in and rescue the country," said Martin.

That white knight could be Google whose "Do No Evil" motto would compel it to act to prevent the spectrum from falling into dastardly evil hands, or it could be AT & T whose "Do More Evil" motto could compel it as well.

Unfazed by the prospect of a "white knight" bidder, Zardox said, "Puny humans, you cannot stop us.  I filed all the proper paperwork, and we have enough currency to outbid anyone.  Only an act of Congress can stop us from overtaking the human race now." 

Prospects for congressional action do not look good, as several bills praising the New York Giants still are pending on the docket.