Friday, October 19 12:00 AM EDT

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars say "Hey! What's that behind you? Ha! Made you look!"

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Good News: You will be one of the first people to receive a fancy new quantum CPU. Bad News: When you open the box you'll find it's dead.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Bad News: While surfing for pr0n, you will come across your new girlfriend's Ad Words... several times.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week, you and everyone on your block will learn why the words "homemade" and "flamethrower" don't go well together.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will feel your cubicle has shrunk again. The stars suggest you lay off the Twinkies.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars want you to take down your webcam. Nobody wants to see that.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your iPod overclocking experiments will give you recurring nightmares involving Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Despite all the money flowing into new Internet startups, you probably won't attract venture capitalists to your social networking site for Bolivian llama ranchers.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The stars think you should stop holding out and buy an HDTV, because you know who else never bought an HDTV? That's right, Hitler.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars would like you to know that this horoscope is a lie.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Things aren't looking so hot for Leos this week. You might want to consider switching your date of birth.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will spend more on wigs this month than you ever thought possible. At least you're prepared for your upcoming baldness.