Friday, July 27 12:00 AM EDT

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The stars see beer in your future.  Mmm… beer.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your boss will make you write "I do not believe in horoscopes" on the whiteboard 100 times.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will discover shorts taste better when they have been cooked. If only you had know a few years sooner.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
After 400 episodes you finally realize that a woman does Bart Simpson's voice. The stars think you should be embarrassed.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Donuts and beer may go together in a cartoon world, but isn't the combo you should be feeding to your preschool students.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your boss will not appreciate a Nelson laugh when you prove you were right about the project estimates.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Painting yourself yellow was a good costume idea, but chopping a finger may have been a bit too much.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars would like you to know that they have released the hounds.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll discover the folks down at the nuclear plant don't have a sense of humor when they ask for your name and you tell them Homer Simpson.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Maybe it wasn't such a great idea turning that guy into a Simpsons character. The relatives want their money back for the funeral.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The couch is not structurally sound enough to hold all five of you.  Don't even try it.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The guy at 7-11 wants you to know that he isn't Indian and his name isn't Apu.