Friday, May 25 12:00 AM EDT

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The stars have a bad feeling about this.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Despite your mastery of The Force, the ladies still don't want to see your light saber.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Aaaaaaaaargh grrrrf uuuuuuuuuuulllgh eeeeeehh.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll have a feeling like a million voices crying out, then going silent. It's just the three Gorditas you had for lunch. You can ignore it.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Despite the advice you get from old Jedi masters, judged by your size will you be. Try not to feel too bad about it.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You won't be able to return stronger if the mugger strikes you down. Just give him your wallet.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
When your significant other asks you about your future together, avoid answering. It's a trap!

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll get that promotion you've been waiting for all your life. Unfortunately, you'll have to kill scores of children to get it.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Be careful about going to strange bars this week. Some wanted men are on the loose and they don't like you.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Follow your instincts. Get a receipt for all your droid purchases. Those Jawas may be cute and cuddly, but they can't be trusted.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Smash your boss in the face. Only your hatred will get you that raise you deserve.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be betrayed by one of your best friends. Try not to be too hard on him. He didn't have a choice.