Thursday, September 7 12:00 AM ET

College Professors to Be Replaced by Apple's iProf

By Brian Briggs

College degrees play a very important role in shaping one's career path. You need to make the right choice now!

Cuptertino, CA - Steve Jobs announced the release of Apple's iProf line of computers which will replace human professors in college classrooms. These computers use advanced artificial intelligence algorithms and patented Internet searching techniques to create and deliver lectures for various subjects.

"Increasingly, students are expecting more technology in the classroom, from laptops for taking notes to lectures made available for iPods. The iProf is the next logical step," said a black turtleneck clad Steve Jobs.

"The iProf will comb the Internet for the latest advances in a topic and incorporate them into a lecture. My computer-generated head will then deliver the lecture on a widescreen LCD panel," said Jobs.

Kyle Britton, a student who was in a focus group for testing iProf said, "I liked how the iProf took out all human interaction from my education. I'm comfortable with computers, not so much with my professors. Now if only Apple could do this with girls."

Professors, however, were not impressed by the new system. Herman Wellsdorf, a history professor from UCLA, said, "Sure the iProf can stay more current than a human professor, and they can be available twenty four hours a day, but can it do this?" He then proceeded to pull out a yo-yo and performed a series of tricks. "I think not!"

Universities are keen to replace professors as salaries and benefits provided to human teachers are a major cost in running a university. Wendy Sharpanov, President of the University of California at Venice Beach, said, "The iProf is cheaper and easier to replace than a tenured human professor. The savings we realize from this technology will help us finance our research into replacing students with computers."

With added intelligence modules the iProf can flirt with students and answer questions during office hours. For added realism foreign teaching assistant module will give the lecturer a heavy accent making him difficult to understand.

Technology historians say that more moves like this in the future should be expected. "Assembly line workers were replaced by machines, why not professors?" said technology historian Harold Neves. "It's all part of progress."

More Apple News