Monday, May 22 12:00 AM ET

Yoda Struggles Through Open-mic Night At the Mos Espa Laffateria

You I thank. A good time, is everyone having?

Flew in from Dagobah I just did. Tired my arms are. And older than I am, that joke is.

When 900 years old you reach, Viagra you will need. “A lightsaber that is, or happy to see me you are?” the other day my wife says. “A lightsaber it is,” I say.

On the forest moon of Endor I recently partied. All gay, the Ewoks were. What the deal is, I wonder. On Backdor, it turns out I was. Backdor.

Hmph.

Why windy in Mos Espa it always is? Because sucks, Mos Eisley does. About, you know what I am talking.

Into a bar, a Wookiee, a Gungan and a Jawa walk. “What, some kind of joke this is?” the bartender says.

To change a light bulb, how many Hutts does it take? Two. Bribe a corrupt Trade Federation official to change it, one does. Laugh cruelly when through a trap door and into a Bantha cage he falls, the other one will.

Of Hutts speaking, in a group of them just came. Around the taco bar, a perimeter create!

(taps microphone) On, is this thing? Laugh or do not laugh. There is no chuckle.

(A mixed drink floats across the stage and into his hand.)

Qui-Gon and tonic. (gulps it down) Got it, this guy did. (points to a man in the front row) You I thank, sir.

Not all it’s cracked up to be, being a Jedi master is. No faster to the front of the line at the DMV does it get me. A discount at Luby’s I receive, but about it, that is.

My wife, please take.

Tell you, let me, a pain in my wrinkled green ass Darth Vader is. Under his suit, lingerie he wears. True, it is. Darth Fabulous he should be called. Be as intimidating then, he would not, hmm?

Circumcise the emperor, how would you? His sithter in the chin, kick. (pause) His sith-ter. The emperor, a Sith is, hmm? With me stay, people.

Know you where their outfits Sith lords buy? Darth Mall.

Invented by Toydarians, how do we know the toothbrush was? Called a teethbrush it would be, if invented it, anyone else had.

For fun, what does a Tusken Raider do? (shrugs) Beats Shmi!

My time that is. Great you have been. Your waitress, please tip. Ready for Doug Stanhope, are you?