Friday, April 7 12:00 AM EDT

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's a little black spot on the sun today. Or more accurately you've burned a hole in your retina.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold, but it's actually radioactive. Stay Away!

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? You'll be attending a LARP so it's a little of both.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Gunter glieben glauchen globen. Yeah, the stars don't know what it means either.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You gotta keep 'em separated or else they'll explode. That's the first thing you'll learn in chemistry 101.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
We don't need no education. We're just telling the future. Come to think of it, now that your job has been outsourced, you don't really need an education either.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
People are strange when you're a stranger. Especially when you're a naked stranger pounding on their door at 2 am.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Can't seem to face up to the facts. Tense and nervous. Can't relax. The fact is twenty cups of coffee will do that to you.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
I see trees of green, red roses too. The stars see a not so wonderful world ahead of you. Get off the White House lawn.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
All is quiet on New Year's Day because the IRC server will be down.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's hot in, so hot in here. Isn't the server room supposed to be air conditioned? The stars foresee a crash.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
This is where the party ends. The power went out. The Doritos are gone. The LAN party is over.