Friday, August 12 12:00 AM ET

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You will draw the attention of school officials with your encyclopedic knowledge of weapons.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Good news: A clan wants you to join. Bad news: It's Nigerian and they require your bank account number.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll discover that spending $50 on the FPS Dating Service probably wasn't a good idea.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will begin to lose your fear of death after dying so many times.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be embarrassed when you discover that the server you pwned everybody on was for blind people only.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your head will explode in a kaleidoscope of red many times this week.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars have two words for you: Boom, headshot.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You'll lose faith in the educational system after witnessing the constant misspellings of "faggot", "gay", and "owned."

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Just put down the knife, it won't make you run any faster.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Learning to use special characters in your name will take your CS:S skills to the next level.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Your hands will be shaking, but you still will be getting headshots.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
This week, you'll stumble upon a server with players that are worse than you. Remember to bookmark it.