Friday, July 15 12:00 AM ET

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You will lose the election to Pedro.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Having memorized the CD key for Windows XP will neither impress the ladies nor your co-workers at the FSF.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Taking a leak on the White House is a creative political protest, but not a very wise one. They've increased security, you know.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars predict you will find doom!, Doom!, DOOM! at the local Best Buy... sorry that was a typo. You'll find Doom 3 at the local Best Buy.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars say the tangent universe will collapse in 22 days 6 hours 41 minutes and 16 seconds -- go nuts!

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will lose your bet that there was a new TLD created for the recording artist .mobi.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week will bring tragedy when you find you can no longer get updates for your pirated copy of windows.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars tell you to secure your new webcam because nobody wants to see that.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're way too excited about Apple switching to Intel. You're going to have to cool off.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will meet an interesting new person on IRC only to find out they're actually a chatbot.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Your printer doesn't hate you, but we're not so sure about your mouse.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
That breakdancing class is really going to pay off big time. Trust us on this one.