Friday, April 15 12:00 AM ET

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
A sudden cold snap while waiting in line for Revenge of The Sith, makes your choice of wearing a Chewbacca costume seem like a good idea, unfortunately shit keeps sticking to your fur.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You will find a finger in your chili, but it's ok because it's yours.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
That antispyware tool you installed will delete your installation of 007: A Spy In Harm's Way

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Today you learn why sticking your tongue on the cooling block of your new freon cooling set-up is not good way to test it.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Just because you have a satellite dish doesn't mean you can receive data from the Cassini-Huygens probe, now stop bothering the Dish Network.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you had a nickel for every piece of unsolicited e-mail, you'd be a spammer.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
This horoscope was created on the new Apple Mac-Mini. Predict Different.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will win an online poker tournament and get a chance to play in a head-to-head competition in Nigeria. Bring lots of cash!

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars wish to congratulate you on your 87th straight week of being a complete loser.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will find out your favorite TV show has been cancelled and launch a protest to bring it back. You will also become one of the stars of Trekkies 3.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Nothing is certain in life except death, taxes, and this horoscope.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
It may be impressive, but knowing the first 20000 decimals of pi is not something you want to put on your resumé.