Thursday, April 14 12:00 AM ET

Bush Unveils New Social Security Plan

Pittsburgh , PA - During a speech at Soldiers and Sailors Memorial on the University of Pittsburgh campus, President Bush detailed his newest plan to save Social Security, which is projected to produce budget shortfalls sometime around 2034. Because of his flagging support in recent polls (some showing approval as low as 35 percent), Bush's administration felt the current plan needed some work.

Under the new plan, instead of Americans investing a large percentage of savings in personal accounts and the stock market, that money will instead be diverted into 'lottery accounts.' In these lottery accounts the funds will be distributed across Quick Picks, Cash 4 Life, and Powerball tickets.

"Americans are a hypocritical bunch," says Market Analyst Roland Stine, "they don't want to invest in the stock market because they see it as unstable, but they spend a good portion of their income on lottery tickets. Maybe, they should spend the extra money on math tutors."

According to Bush, hundreds of Americans will not only be able to retire early, but they will do so with "jillions of dollars." In his speech earlier today he dismissed critics who said his plan lacked any common sense.

"With the way the economy is going," he said, "many Americans would feel more secure knowing that today, tomorrow, or even next Tuesday could be the day they can finally afford to fill their SUV's again."

He continued. "Cheney wanted to do that other lottery where we make Social Security work by condemning a certain number of Americans to death so the rest can afford to retire, but I reminded him that after we bring the draft back next fall we won't need to do that."