Friday, January 7 12:00 AM ET

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man a fishing rod, and he'll strangle you with the fishing line. Keep that in mind this week.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will forget your New Year's resolution to stop reading horoscopes.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You'll get kicked out of social studies class, because of your multiple mispronunciations of Phuket.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll realize that yet another year went by without donating that ten year old can of beans to the food bank. Maybe next year.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You'll start the new year off with a bang, unfortunately for you there were several witnesses.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
How were you supposed to know that "secret Santa" meant you weren't supposed to go down her chimney and hide behind her tree?

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Your "I get wet for tsunamis" t-shirt doesn't seem to be selling too well in Jakarta. I wonder why.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You'll end up with no Internet for the rest of the week after you confuse the LAN cable with a snake and chop its head off with a machete.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
With four teeth being removed this week, you'll discover amazing fact that Jello can be made without tequila.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Mmmm… powerful pain killers.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The customer is always right, unless of course they are dealing with you.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Unfortunately for you, Time-Life Books isn't interested in your 17 volume series on The LAN Party. You'll have to find another publisher.