Friday, October 29 12:00 AM ET

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You better start cooking now. That 25 pound turkey is going to take a while to cook on your CPU.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
As the holiday season approaches don't lose sight of what it really means; lots of days off from work.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll realize much earlier this year, that Christmas songs are really annoying.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover that coating the turkey with thermal paste might help it cook faster, but it's murder on your digestive tract.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your house might get egged less, if you'd stop handing out AOL CDs to the trick or treaters.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars predict doom, if you attempt to build that computer by yourself or at least a really nasty gash.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You finally beat that game that's been monopolizing all your time... with a bat.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Today is a good day to share. Unfortunately, the RIAA doesn't agree.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
This week you will have the opportunity to spend some time alone and reflect upon your life. Who knew getting locked in the trunk of your car could be good?

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The stars suggest you perform your genetic experiments on very small animals this week, because one of them will go berserk.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You’ll realize that the month you spent training in Philadelphia on how to avoid sliding turtle shells never prepared you for fireballs.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
While you may be depressed about the election results, take a minute to reflect on the fact that you live in Denmark.