Friday, October 29 12:00 AM ET

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
This horoscope was brought to you by trial lawyers: You will file a lawsuit this week, because your landlord forgot to cut the grass and you tripped over the tall blades.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be drafted into the military, and die a horrible death.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're going to have a great week. No, sorry, you're going to have a bad week. I take that back.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The other guy and his right-wing cronies see the rich getting richer, and can't really see the poor.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
This week you will see my name on the ballot, and wonder why I even bother running for President.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will breathe a sigh of relief on Wednesday when you are no longer subjected to any political ads.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
This horoscope brought to you by a no-bid contract from Halliburton: You will get slapped by a customer when you try to charge them $4,000,000 for the new Ashlee Simpson CD.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Read the stars. No new taxes.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
My opponent and his liberal allies in congress predict more taxes and regulations for you next year.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
This week your vote will not be counted. Do not bother going to the polls, especially if you're voting for my opponent.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
My opponent's horoscopes predict doom and gloom, but mine are doomier and gloomier.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be sued by a blood-sucking lawyer, because you accidentally cut off the wrong leg.