Friday, October 15 12:00 AM ET

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your preparations for your December Lord of the Rings Extended Editions marathon will begin this week when you purchase a catheter.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Even though you got confused and thought Halloween was on the last day of September, nobody noticed you dressed up like a bum. Take a hint and buy some new clothes.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars want you to mod your PC using only road kill.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You find out the hard way that it's not an effective defense to install a firewall... from a '72 Buick.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You raise the age old question, "Why is it that the Network Sniffer always goes straight for the Network Crotch?"

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your new avatar makes baby jesus cry

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your coworkers point out that it's not appropriate to say "May the force be with you" when somebody sneezes.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
That new computer system you have is awesome, learning to use the mouse with no fingers, less so.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
If you can't beat them, or join them, try drinking lots of beer. Maybe that will make you cool enough.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Try not to force your opinion on others. Instead, opt for brainwashing or hypnosis to get your point of view through to them.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
This will be a good week to finally tell your parents your girlfriend isn't real, but an imaginary cross-dressing newt.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
That guy who sold you the hard drives on Ebay is full of crap. There is no RAID 37.