Friday, September 17 12:00 AM ET

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You'll realize that the blue glow coming from your "Sting" replica is not there are Orcs nearby, but because it was made with recycled radioactive waste.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The monitor you received by UPS this week will give a whole new meaning to the phrase "Some Assembly Required."

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
A voyage into the unknown awaits you, as the feds discover the physical location of your MP3 server and you have to escape into the nearby mountains.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll realize you spend too much time playing nethack at work when your weekly time report has a 15 hour entry for "The grid bug bites!"

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars thought it would be funny to switch you to decaf this week. They're really sorry about the headache.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
In this world there are leaders and there are followers and the rest of us who like to point and laugh.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your pledge to stop eating glue this school year comes to a disastrous end after Elmer's releases new Strawberry Glitter Paste.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The folks at the office will get a laugh this week, when you realize after working for 4 hours that you were fired a week ago.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your horoscope this week fled to Canada during the Vietnam War.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
No matter how hard you try, the landlord isn't going to reinforce the foundation of the apartment building just so you can get the world's largest subwoofer.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
This week you'll come to realize that "you are not of the body."

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The stars want you to play Doom 3, but your video card doesn't.