Friday, August 20 12:00 AM ET

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You will find the need to upgrade you memory after receiving a severe blow to the head.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You will design a new socket configuration for the Athlon64 making you the most hated geek in history.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
I know it's wash day, but it's still not appropriate to wear only post-its to the Laundromat.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your efforts in creating your own terabyte RAID array will prove fruitless until you stop insisting on doing it with floppy drives.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The International Olympic Committee will get a restraining order against you this week as your requests to add Overclocking as an Olympic sport become violent.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your parents refuse to buy you any school supplies. Don't feel bad, most parents of thirty-five-year-old basement dwellers do the same.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars say that third place is cool. You should be proud of your country's single bronze medal.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Those people aren't chanting U-S-A they're chanting You-Ass-Hole. Get out of the ball pit before you hurt some kid.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars suggest that you keep your old monitor. Doom 3 is supposed to be that dark.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars are upset by the lack of coverage on the Mars probes as much as you are. They're sending a messenger to CNN to "make an impression". You might want to avoid Atlanta for a couple millennia.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
This week's horoscope contains a secret message.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You'll realize that two Half Lifes don't make a whole Half Life 2.