Friday, July 9 12:00 AM ET

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars are shining down on you from above. At least that's what you'll be thinking just before the impact.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
This week you will try a new flavor of Linux... Raspberry.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You receive a position at Research In Motion. Congratulations on the RIM job.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Microsoft refuses to offer you additional stock options for your "4-in-1 defragmenter, virus destroyer, spyware remover, and disk cleanup tool". They still insist on calling it "Format". Back to the drawing board for you!

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Normally the aluminum foil hat provides excellent protection, but it may not be the best idea at the microwave factory.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
After beating Half-Life for the 872nd time, you'll realize it might be time to get a better video card.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You must be over 18 feet tall to view this horoscope.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars say that this week you will be allowed to meet the criminal government agent who oppresses you.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You would think that shooting fireworks on the White House lawn would be the most patriotic thing you could do. The Secret Service agents think differently.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
This horoscope had an inside joke in it, but you wouldn't get it.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
After a hot sauce incident this weekend, you will discover that Pepto-Bismol is part of a complete breakfast.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You will die when your Star Trek DVD collection falls off the shelf and traps you underneath it for several days.