Friday, April 2 12:00 AM EST

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars indicate that big hair will back soon, so you should schedule an appointment with your stylist!

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your practical joke of literally blinding every one with science in chemistry class won’t go over well with the school board.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Knocking a few seconds off your Rubik’s Cube solving time will not translate into a better prom date.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You will find yourself in need of a large blunt object to protect yourself from muggers. Always take your car phone with you.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars recommend a second mortgage for that acoustic coupler modem. Blazing the BBSes at 110 bps will make you the envy of all.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Video will not only kill the radio star, it will completely massacre good taste and a couple of schnauzers as well.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You willl be frightened by your readers when your April Fool’s joke of writing bad Lord of the Rings fan fiction is met by unending requests for more.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will get in a lot of trouble this week after you misunderstand what they meant by Coke is it!

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your friends want you to know that all your talk about Tina Yothers is creeping them out. Stop it.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Everybody was kung fu fighting. Of course it’s a martial arts class so that probably explains it.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars suggest betting the farm on CP/M. We’ve got a good feeling on this one.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
That New Kids On The Block shirt will really dig the chicks this Friday night at the disco. Unfortunately, the star predict you will break an ankle, arm and collar bone trying to get it on while walking down the stairs.