Friday, March 5 12:00 AM EST

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
If looks could kill, you'd still be harmless.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars want you to know that your horoscope bill is due.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
The stars foresee a future that is filled with love, adventure, travel, and giant moth-women from outer space.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You'll be disappointed to find out there will be no Lord of the Rings movie in 2004. The worst part is you already bought the tickets.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You'll realize that you can't reboot your girlfriend to make her forget what you said about her weight. CTRL-Z won't work, either.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your home network is on the fritz. Perhaps you should check the router. It's the one that's smoking.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll discover that the locals don't quite celebrate St. Patrick's Day the same way as they do in America, especially the Shiite clerics.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be ready for a water voyage. Who would have thought that leaky faucet would flood your office?

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Live each day as if it were your last. Um... especially next Thursday.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This horoscope has been banned by your workplace filtering software for racy content.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
After gaining twelve pounds you realize that the Fatkins Diet might be a cheap Korean knock off and not the real thing.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover that writing 48 horoscopes in a 2 day period will leave you creatively drained when coming to the last one.