Friday, March 5 12:00 AM EST

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You will be disappointed that none of the Democratic candidates cared enough to visit your town to ask for your vote until you realize that you’re Canadian.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Somehow I don't think that pitting presidential candidates against each other in a game of Counter-Strike will settle disputes over military records.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Though you are technically correct, your girlfriend will NOT be impressed by your suggestion that a binary search is more efficient than sequential search when thumbing through her address book.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Your webcam is broken, and yes, it is the end of the world.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars cannot provide you a horoscope this week due to lack of funding from NASA.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
It's not that people don't like you. OK, sorry, it is.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Applies doubly so to broadband.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Compressed air may be good for cleaning out the computer case, but it's not a substitute for toilet paper in the bathroom.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
While Super Tuesday was a bit anti-climatic, so to will be your Super Saturday Tetris party.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
We know you're the one who clicked on that unknown attachment. We require payment if you don't want us to tell anybody.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Using the ink cartridge refill kit seemed like a money saver until you realized after you finished that you own a laser printer.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Contrary to what your advisors have been telling you, finishing fifth in all the primaries doesn't attract the chicks.