Friday, February 6 12:00 AM EST

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
After the recent stock market crash, it might be wise to invest in something safe like a savings and loan.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
We know it will be difficult, but the stars suggest you “just say no” to valspeak, fer sure.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Good news: You’ve got a date this weekend. Bad news: It’s with Ms. Pac Man again.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
The stars agree that The Empire Strikes Back was awesome, and predict you’ll be blown away by the Wookiee home world in the final installment of the Star Wars trilogy.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Just because you memorized "Safety Dance" in its entirety doesn't mean you are any different from anyone else on your block.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
KITT says: dump the DeLorean and buy a BMX instead, fat ass.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give hair a bad name.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
As strange as it may seem, you will be implicated in the shooting of JR and spend 15 to life in Leavenworth.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will discover that your skill in cursor dancing doesn't really help you with the breakers at the prom.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be embarrassed when someone discovers that your "ancient Chinese secret" isn't laundry detergent, but a ten-year-old boy from Vietnam.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars pity the fool who doesn't believe in horoscopes.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Nobody is ever going to need more than 360 kb of disk space. Stock up on those floppies while they are cheap.