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Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without
the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing
because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of
the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just
simply amazing.
Believers
The warning label has stop the people looking for a handout from
Enseme Ayele, and I think I found out why I was getting so many
Believers from it...
From: Raja
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 7:00 AM
To: 'briggsb@bbspot.com'
Subject: the Ensenam Ayele article
It sucks that you had to post that disclaimer. I was sending
mailbag fodder your way by telling every gullible person I know
that it was real, and that I had already received my millions!
Because of the disclaimer I had to scour the discussion boards
looking for some believers...
No chance of it being a spoof then?
And...
So just stay away from AMD's now.
Exploding Brains
I escaped with only superficial injuries from the exploding FedEx
box o' death. This e-mail from Marie shows that I'm not the only
one with injury problems...
From: Marie
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2004 10:04 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: accidents on January 14!
Hey Brian,
If it's any consolation, I too had a nasty
accident on January 14.
I don't have a reading audience of millions, but those who do
know me like to call me "Crash" for my similar tendencies.
I took a head-first tumble down an entire flight of stairs in
my house, luckily not breaking anything, but bruising myself
up royally (my jaw looks like I took a good left hook from Tyson).
Today my office is having a Patriots Spirit Day (we're in New
England and hoping the Pats win the AFC Championship this weekend),
so I wore a Pats jersey, and with makeup added to my existing
bruising
-- so I'm dressed to look like a Pats player does on Monday morning.
:) Hey, if you can't have fun with your injuries, what good are
they??
You should be very careful when reading BBspot, you could
contract my injuring disease. Then you might need warning signs
like the ones they made for me about
my refrigerator and FedEx box accidents. Here's one of them,
but there's more on
the board....
Video Card Problems
Frequent contributor Scott Small had this to say about my video
card problems...
System Too Slow For Video Card
Santa Clara, CA - nVidia graphics have issued a warning about
their latest graphics cards being too fast for some systems.
A spokesman
for
nVidia
said, "We never thought it was possible. We just never considered
the possibility that one of our graphics adapters would have
more processing power than the pc it was put into."
The statement comes after numerous complaints and support requests
were sent to the company from users experiencing difficulties
playing games on their K6II and Celeron computers. nVidia has
sent out warning labels to all retailers with the instructions
that the labels be affixed before any more cards are sold.
Jen-Hsun Huang, Nvidia's President and CEO, issued a statement
apologizing for any inconvenience this oversight may have caused.
He also noted that exorbitant restocking fees might actually
encourage some of these people to upgrade. "I mean really,
who's running these machines? Have they never heard of Moore's
Law?"
In response, some users noted that they were unable to afford
regular upgrades due to their current financial situation.
While other users like BBspot creator Brian Briggs, were outraged, "I
just bought this peacey from Gateway and now your telling me
it's
too slow?
I paid
good money
for this thing. That's three hundred dollars down the drain!"
Lipstick
Sometimes for the personals
mockeries I have to go that extra mile to entertain my readers.
Some readers are not pleased...
From: Matt
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 8:54 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Webcam Picture
Dude, are you wearing lipstick in that webcam shot? If you are,
you should stop doing that or something… It’s scary!
And...
From: Raja
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 12:23 PM
To: 'briggsb@bbspot.com'
Subject: bottlerocket
Please tell me you aren't wearing lipstick! Just lie if you
have to, or make up some story about photochopping that hideous
image!
Let me reassure everyone about this issue. My lips are not
bright red naturally, and it takes some high technology to get
them that color. Although, Photoshop isn't a part.
First, I invoke the great powers of mimicry I learned at
The Actor's Studio in New York to match the Personal of the
Day in both body and soul. This image is captured by a high
speed digital camera at the instant of exact duplication.
Second, this image is transmitted to the digital wizards
at Weta Workshop who use their giant server farms
to render my lips in a perfect shade of red. Then the image
is
printed
out
onto high-gloss paper and sent via plane to Detroit Metro Airport.
In Detroit armed couriers meet the Weta messenger
and bring the picture to Ann Arbor, and deliver it to my house.
My trained capybara brings the picture to my office. I then
take the picture into the bathroom and compare my wife's lipsticks
to
the picture.
When
I find
a match,
I apply
the lipstick to a scale model of myself, also created by Weta.
Lastly, I kiss the scale model of myself, transferring the
lipstick from its lips to mine and pose for the webcam.
See, that's not so scary now, is it?
That's all for this week!
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