Monday, January 19 12:00 AM EST

Attorneys Invade Iraqi to Drum Up Business

Baghdad, Iraq - The American Bar Association sent a delegation of attorneys to Iraq to address the critical lawsuit shortage.

Paul Bremer, the top US civilian administrator in Iraq, has expressed concern that “Iraq cannot achieve democracy without the high-level of litigiousness we enjoy in America.”

According to ABA delegation leader Ted Viscous, “In many ways Iraq is a primitive society. Conflicts are resolved through discussion and negotiation, rather than litigation. This is something we aim to fix.”

The group will start in Baghdad, where a special mobile unit will follow ambulances through city streets in search of clients. The team also plans to represent Saddam’s hairdresser in libel suits against several newspapers. Other clients include a group of painters and sculptors who are suing the provisional Iraqi government for taking their jobs.

“We destroyed the Saddam government without consideration of the artists whose livelihood depended on putting Saddam’s likeness on posters and statues,” said Viscous. “They are more than willing to shift from Saddam to President Bush if given a chance.”

The ABA will also be examining reports from Tikrit that American bombing caused several cases of collateral hot coffee spillage.

As a gesture of goodwill towards the Iraqi people, American lawyers will be using a specially modified fee structure. “Unlike in the U.S.,” said Viscous,”We will not be charging Iraqis for the time we spend seducing junior partners, plotting against rivals, or our frequent all-night drinking binges. This is a crisis, and we must be willing to make sacrifices.”

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