Friday, December 12 12:00 AM EDT

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Thanks to a makeover from the fellows at Queer Eye for the Straight Scope, your horoscope this week has been italicized.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Competition was fierce amongst the stars this week to cast your horoscope. This one was the low bidder.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The goddess Saraswati predicts that your job may soon be outsourced to cheap foreign labor - watch out!

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
What's that saying about "a bird in hand?" Well, you're going to be seeing a whole flock of birds flipped your way when you run a stop sign this week.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
It may have been the way the cookie crumbled, but in so doing, it completely disabled your browser!

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You will suffer from a rather strong growing sense of deja vu the next few days, culminating in getting this exact same horoscope next week.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
A rare cosmic phenomenon will make you find Dilbert funny next week - but only for a few minutes.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
That gigantic $10 unknown electronic device with 5 SCSI attachments you found at the thrift store may impress your geek friends online, but your mom still wants it out of the garage by Saturday.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Sorry, but no one will ever believe that your cash flow problems are caused by the high ping of your bank's server.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Holy shit, is that smoke coming from your CPU?!?
Made you look.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars will come visiting this week. Literally. Sorry about the house, but NASA wants to come by to pick up samples.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will reach a state of great enlightenment when you realize that all the "top 10" lists that seemed to contain eight extra items, were not counting in binary.