Friday, November 14 12:00 AM EDT

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will add up to 3" where you want them this week, with just one pill!

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
A cheap and private source of Vic0d1n will become available for you this week!

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will not only find a lover, you will be able to satisfy them this week!

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will save up to 80% on prescriptions.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will no longer be drowning in debt after you are able to eliminate it without filing bankruptcy!

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
This week will find you proving the fact that older housewives are the horniest.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week, the stars are barely legal.
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Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Your horoscope this week will be longer and longer lasting than ever before.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
This week the stars predict the first position in Yahoo! GUARANTEED!

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
A tall, dark and handsome stranger suffering in his home country of Nigerian will offer you millions this week.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your horoscope this week has been seen on Oprah and the Today show.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
This week you will burn all the games and DVDs that you will ever need.