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Cupertino, CA - Hot on the heels of its success with the acclaimed
iTunes Music Store, Apple have set about to revolutionize another
entertainment venue, that of pr0n.
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Steve "Blow" Jobs?
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Today at a special press event, Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the
iPorn Movie Store. Just as Jobs addressed the problems plaguing online
music downloading, he hopes to do so with downloadable pornography.
"We're excited about this new service," Jobs said at the
special keynote address. "We've taken a good look at peer-to-peer
porn downloading, and we think we've got this one nailed." Jobs
went on to describe the problems of downloaded pornography.
"What is a horny 15 to 25 year-old male looking for when he
goes on Kazaa? Two things, either music or porn. When he's not looking
for one, he's seeking out the other. But downloading porn from peer-to-peer
networks can sometimes be frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying." Jobs
then gave a specific list of problems with peer-to-peer network porn.
"The way we see it, there are just tons of disadvantages with
the current system. But we've identified 5 major areas where peer-to-peer
users are dissatisfied," Jobs said, with a numbered list appearing
on the 50-foot screen behind him.
"First, you can't always find what you're looking for. Most
of the time, a downloader isn't looking for any specific clip; he's
usually looking for a clip of a certain genre, sexual position, technique
or porn star. The file names are either non-descriptive or just misleading.
Sometimes a clip that claims to be of Jenna Jameson is actually some
amateur video with a random double-D-cup blonde. And, there's nothing
like looking for a good oral sex clip and then finding out that it's
horse porn. The clips on the iPorn Music Store have a paragraph of
explanatory text telling the customer who's in it and the sexual
positions used in the clip."
"Second, the quality is terrible. Many peer-to-peer users have
learned to cope with the bad quality video they manage to get, but
they'd never put up with it in a DVD rip. That's why we're encoding
each clip in high-quality MPEG-4 video at 640 width. It's sad to
think that 99% of the porn-viewing population between the ages of
18 and 24 don't know that Devon has 3 nipples because they've only
seen low-bitrate, postage-stamp sized clips of her in action! Best
of all, we're making the audio track optional. Why waste time downloading
a clip with audio when you're just going to mute the sound so your
roommate or parents don't become aware of your shame?"
"Third, the download rates are slow. How many times have we
started a download of the porn clip we've been dreaming of only to
find out the other side has stalled or is behind some college network's
firewall? We've been serving up video bits at over 200 kB/s for years
on our QuickTime trailer site. Not only do we provide the porn community
with high-quality video, but we do it so fast that they get their
fix right away."
"Fourth, there are no previews. The first 30 seconds of a porn
clip is usually enough to tell whether you want the rest of it or
not. So we're providing customers with a 30-second preview of the
clips they're interested in. The preview is streamed to them in MPEG-4
video. We think that this is going to be killer."
"Last, many clips are incomplete. There's nothing worse than
finally finding the fast source with the clip you want and then finding
out that it cuts off before the money shot while you're mid-coitus!
That's why all of our clips are guaranteed to have money shots when
they involve men and women. We think this alone will attract several
customers."
Jobs then showed off a demo of the service, in which the service,
when fired up, would inquire about the user's level of arousal and
filter clips of length based on the user's response. He performed
a search for Chasey Lain and sorted the results by film, director,
male co-star, and position. "There's even a special filter that
will omit any results containing 'Ron Jeremy,'" Jobs said. "There's
nothing like that guy's ugly, hairy mug to ruin a good viewing."
On-hand at the unveiling were many big-name stars in the adult entertainment
business, including Jenna Jameson and Peter North, who announced
that they had filmed a special, deluxe 10-minute clip exclusively
for the iPorn Movie Store.
Jobs also revealed that Apple's new service would be opening its
doors to amateur porn artists, as well. "There's a whole part
of the population which loves amateur porn, and we don't want to
leave them out. We encourage creativity, and we even provide promising
amateur artists with a free copy of Final Cut Express to fully realize
their creative visions."
Jobs left the stage to thunderous applause and covering his pelvis
with a high school algebra book.
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